Date: 3rd January 2008 at 4:06pm
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Oh, I can’t wait to tell you this. Javier Mascherano, fed up with the Americans’s reluctance to pay that hefty transfer fee for him, is ready to pack in and take the short trip down the M62 to Manchester.

So, according to this fantastic piece of rumour, we would have another central midfielder to add to Scholes, Hargreaves, Anderson, Carrick and Fletcher. I suggest we should buy another Portuguese winger, too, for the sake of it.

Move on to more serious things. Thank God it seems we will not have Anelka sulking around Old Trafford more than once this season as he is set to join Chelsea. Dimitar Berbatov could leave Spurs – for 31 million, in pounds. At least that’s what Juande Ramos says. Who needs him, watch out for our Manucho Goncalves! (*for irate Spurs fans who are preparing to lecture me on Berba’s worth: it was only a joke, a lame one at that).

Anyway, back to Ramos. I loved his argument that Berbatov is worth as much and even more than Shevchenko – who could argue with that, seeing their impact in the Premiership?

Phillip Lahm, supposedly coveted by United, will be snapped up by Barcelona while ingenious Chelsea are ready to nick another of our transfer targets: Branislav Ivanovic is going there for a hair-raising 10 million. No 23-year-old left-back is worth as much but it’s not me who signs the cheques at Stamford Bridge. Let’s hope he will be as successful there as Ballack who finally played two decent games in a row for the Blues.

And some sad news for all true Reds: the great Dong is preparing to leave… for Burnley. May the blessing of God guide him on his way, he will always be fondly remembered for his outstanding contributions to our cause. And Choccy honestly insists he’s hit form for the reserves… if you say so, Brian.

Finally, it is continuously denied that Porto’s Bosingwa would join us. Therefore it seems likely that he will. Do we need him? No, I don’t think so. But it’s not up to me to decide so we’ll wait and see. Or start playing Football Manager and ensure there that Bosingwa does not sign for United. If any of you would feel better, do it.